When I was younger, two of the first gifts I ever received were Cabbage Patch dolls. One was Katie, a lovely young string-head whose sunshiny face constantly cheered me up on even the most difficult of days. The other was Nicholas, a boy doll I acquired when my little brother was born. He was supposed to be a foil of my little brother, and, in fact, he was. Despite the similarity that they both were bald, my brother was loud and cried a lot- as many babies do- and my Nicholas was quiet and content. I could only attribute the difference to me being an exceptional "doll" mother.
As I grew up, my greatest dream was to get married and be a mother. I looked forward to decorating a nursery and arguing with my spouse about what names to choose. I was one of the first people to start using those websites that generate what your future baby will look like. While my friends were watching Gilmore Girls (which I love), I was watching A Baby Story. I couldn't wait for that moment that I would hold my first child in my arms. I wondered if I would cry like many of the mothers on TV and in movies.
Well, I have fulfilled one part of my dream. My husband and I got married in August 2011. Despite my interest in having a baby right away, we decided to wait a while, since my husband felt it was the right thing to do. It was what everyone told him he should do- so we waited for a little less than a year. What was a few extra months, I thought to myself. I can wait for a little while longer, and at the time, I thought I could.
The months seemed to pass by quickly. With each passing one, I was getting so excited- I would look for nursery ideas and healthy eating habits online to prepare me for this wonderful experience. I created a board on pinterest, thinking that soon, I would need all the pregnancy and newborn help I could get. I anticipated everything- had a preconception check-up, set up a new "baby savings account," and started taking prenatal vitamins.
The one thing I hadn't anticipated was that it wouldn't happen. We started trying in June 2012, that was seven months ago. After the first two months, I wasn't discouraged, but as the months continued to pass, I grew increasingly more desperate, depressed, and confused. I should have bought stock in pregnancy tests. People probably thought I was crazy because I would constantly touch my breast to see if they were tender, like I read they would be. I got excited every time I got nauseous or tired- thinking this would be a sign of pregnancy. I can't describe in words the pain I felt each time I would stare at the negative stick.
My doctor told me everything was okay and I should just keep trying, even knowing my periods are irregular and often don't come, a problem I have been having since college. I don't have PCOS, or endometriosis, so why is this happening to me? There had to be a reason. It was easy for some people...most people, even.
This month, I decided things needed to change. I was tired of feeling depressed and stressed, so I put on my big girl pants, got a new doctor, and started doing more research. My doctor immediately felt my urgency and put me on clomid. Suddenly, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel refreshed and excited to see what my future has in store.
I have not wanted to share my story, for fear of judgement and because I was ashamed. After sharing it verbally with many people, I have come to realize that my story is not as uncommon as I had predicted. In fact, many women struggle with getting pregnant. I have met more people who tried a variety of methods before getting pregnant, and that fills me with so much hope and joy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and if nothing else, it has proven to me how strong and resilient I am. I will not give up on my dream of being a mommy, no matter how long it takes.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
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