Wednesday, December 26, 2012

To Be...or Not to Be

When I was younger, two of the first gifts I ever received were Cabbage Patch dolls.  One was Katie, a lovely young string-head whose sunshiny face constantly cheered me up on even the most difficult of days.  The other was Nicholas, a boy doll I acquired when my little brother was born.  He was supposed to be a foil of my little brother, and, in fact, he was.  Despite the similarity that they both were bald, my brother was loud and cried a lot- as many babies do- and my Nicholas was quiet and content.  I could only attribute the difference to me being an exceptional "doll" mother.

As I grew up, my greatest dream was to get married and be a mother.  I looked forward to decorating a nursery and arguing with my spouse about what names to choose.  I was one of the first people to start using those websites that generate what your future baby will look like.  While my friends were watching Gilmore Girls (which I love), I was watching A Baby Story.  I couldn't wait for that moment that I would hold my first child in my arms.  I wondered if I would cry like many of the mothers on TV and in movies.

Well, I have fulfilled one part of my dream.  My husband and I got married in August 2011.  Despite my interest in having a baby right away, we decided to wait a while, since my husband felt it was the right thing to do.  It was what everyone told him he should do- so we waited for a little less than a year.  What was a few extra months, I thought to myself.  I can wait for a little while longer, and at the time, I thought I could.

The months seemed to pass by quickly.  With each passing one, I was getting so excited- I would look for nursery ideas and healthy eating habits online to prepare me for this wonderful experience.  I created a board on pinterest, thinking that soon, I would need all the pregnancy and newborn help I could get.  I anticipated everything- had a preconception check-up, set up a new "baby savings account," and started taking prenatal vitamins.

The one thing I hadn't anticipated was that it wouldn't happen.  We started trying in June 2012, that was  seven months ago.  After the first two months, I wasn't discouraged, but as the months continued to pass, I grew increasingly more desperate, depressed, and confused.  I should have bought stock in pregnancy tests.  People probably thought I was crazy because I would constantly touch my breast to see if they were tender, like I read they would be.  I got excited every time I got nauseous or tired- thinking this would be a sign of pregnancy.  I can't describe in words the pain I felt each time I would stare at the negative stick.

My doctor told me everything was okay and I should just keep trying, even knowing my periods are irregular and often don't come, a problem I have been having since college.  I don't have PCOS, or endometriosis, so why is this happening to me?  There had to be a reason.  It was easy for some people...most people, even.

This month, I decided things needed to change.  I was tired of feeling depressed and stressed, so I put on my big girl pants, got a new doctor, and started doing more research.  My doctor immediately felt my urgency and put me on clomid.  Suddenly, I see light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel refreshed and excited to see what my future has in store.

I have not wanted to share my story, for fear of judgement and because I was ashamed.  After sharing it verbally with many people, I have come to realize that my story is not as uncommon as I had predicted. In fact, many women struggle with getting pregnant.  I have met more people who tried a variety of methods before getting pregnant, and that fills me with so much hope and joy.  I believe everything happens for a reason, and if nothing else, it has proven to me how strong and resilient I am.  I will not give up on my dream of being a mommy, no matter how long it takes.

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